If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.