@jergarl

I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.

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@cellapaz

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@Real_Dick_Head

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@SarahMJade

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

@missmayn

Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?

@david8hughes

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.