I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.

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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?


The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.


When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.


Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.


Him: Mm girl, back that ass up.
Me: Like on iCloud or something?


[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.