I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*jingles half the way*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?