I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
🤣🤣🤣