I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Velcrow
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
this is the best day of my life
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.