Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.