I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
we’re dead?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start