angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Catering service
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face