I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.