Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.
She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.
Dating is bullshit.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
“Is it in a barn?”
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.