@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.

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@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@oldmanweldon

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

@Parentpains

She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.

Dating is bullshit.

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@ClichedOut

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@ramenfuneral

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep