Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.