what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.