I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Tony Hawk, age 6
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.