@MartaEffing: I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
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@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@daemonic3: [drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? "I went to the eye doctor" What does that mean? "He said I don't need glasses"
@ArfMeasures: Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat? Me: So you want me a paint a "pitcher" lol Cop: ok at least we know why he did it