I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

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Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*


It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.


Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.


I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.


My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !


Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.


Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.


Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy


I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.