@MartaEffing

I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

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@captainkalvis

Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@kwirkyKerri

Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

@BlaineKy

My Fitbit said I took 25 steps today…
maybe if I move my recliner closer to the bathroom, I be able to cut my steps in half !

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@truegritrumble

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

@ilovepie84

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

@Browtweaten

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.