Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now