normalize having existential bread
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
My dog learned how to text
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’