I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.

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Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no


[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??


An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.


Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy


A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!


James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better


[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..



FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.


[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.


Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now