Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
How software testing works
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.