@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

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@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@heidi420x

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

@better_off_dad

I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.

@Kryzazy

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

@InternetHippo

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”