I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different


I swear it’s like nobody who says ‘bite me’ actually means it anymore.


Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.


gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die


I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.


You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.


You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.


Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”