I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Finally!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
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5- sweat
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.