I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.


Taking a nap now. If you’re tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn’t always mean we should.


Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.


HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages


Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.


Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.


To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.


My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.