@Rohit_And_Run

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

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@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@VerbsRProudest

Taking a nap now. If you’re tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn’t always mean we should.

@IamVRising

Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@Jake_Vig

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

@kwirkyKerri

My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.