I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
💯😂
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.