@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

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@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@tastefactory

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

@EJGomez

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@simoncholland

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.