@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

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@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@TheDizzyBeauty

Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?

@tlcprincess

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

@FilthyRichmond

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.