I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”
my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.
It’s important to make her feel wanted…
….so I called the cops on her.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added
“Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer”
In my prayers
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
Me: [winks at camera]
I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I’m gonna die alone. But with cookies!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”
M: Did NOT see that coming