@mattgallo123

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

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@TheMichaelRock

Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

@ktmcburr

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

@timcarvell

I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.

@MNateShyamalan

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

@flashember

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

@Darlainky

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.