@Amburglar_

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

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@TheBoydP

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

@envydatropic

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

@InternetHippo

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@Donna_McCoy

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

@locustbones

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl