I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
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Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
reduce, reuse, recycle
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone