I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.