@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

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@thokone

When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?

@Glennot73

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

@mommajessiec

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@JennWelchNow

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@traciebreaux

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?