I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell