I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve