I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.