I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
😅😅😅
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley