It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Basically.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?