*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
i made a craigslist ad !
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.