I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*