I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.