I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon