@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

You Might Also Like

@Dr_awfulpants

[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

@Jandalize

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

@ron_humphrey

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

@JamColley

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

@fuzzlime

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

@heckyessica

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.