I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

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[Water cooler]
-Looks like you had a wild weekend! How’d you get the scratches?
*flash back to me bathing my cat*
-Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.


It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane


If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.


We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.


I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child


god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again


If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.