I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish