I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
NVM no egg
[at gun point] give us ur wallet