I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
SPLOOT
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.