I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.