Prank: put a bucket of water on top of the door, then shoot your roommate in the stomach. When the cops come, they get soaking wet!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Does your wife know you’re single?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”