I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What


Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.


Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind


Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce


I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.


WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok


ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud


A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.