@mrjohntofu

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

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@michaeljhudson

Prank: put a bucket of water on top of the door, then shoot your roommate in the stomach. When the cops come, they get soaking wet!

@daemonic3

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@T_N_Crumpets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@AbbieEvansXO

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”