i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
every single time
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.