“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?
If Sean Spicer announces his own resignation, is it true?