I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.