@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

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@mean_crow

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@juliussharpe

Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.

@CerebralWreck

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

@JaimeSamantha

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.