I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?