I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?