Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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“No way.” -Jose
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
Brobbits before Hobbits
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?