@good_one_rick

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?