I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
How to properly lift a body
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.