I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

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My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.


My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.


You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia


LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?


A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.


As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.


Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah



Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it