@miriamokayy
@markleggett
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.
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@markleggett
@_Kim_Jongun
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
@free_mattress
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
@Area51eh
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
@jackiembouvier
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
@jwoodham
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
@rebrafsim
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
@AsgardianRose
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
@bngzyface
Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.
@adamgreattweet
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it