I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum

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* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.


A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.


I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.


[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.


Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.


No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.


I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*