discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
calling in to work dehydrated
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??