@westindianpapi

I hate when my MacBook starts breathing heavy. I didn’t pay three grand for a vacuum

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@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@McGrumpenstein

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

@LlamaInaTux

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

@Parkerlawyer

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@fire2sweet

I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*