I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
he’s doing your taxes
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking