@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

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@newLettuce

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

@Vice_Queen

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@jellybnbonanza

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

@joetullar123456

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@SnarkyMommy78

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.