Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
how long have you had this for?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The dark side of Canada
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille