I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
You Might Also Like
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.