Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
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Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.