If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.