I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
the Monday after daylight savings
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.