I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.