I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
*checks Timeline*…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I feel this so hard
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.