I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.