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@LoveNLunchmeat

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

@ClichedOut

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@skittle624

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob

@BriarSly

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

@SteveKoehler22

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

@DomesticGoddss

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.