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@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@Darlainky

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

@kumailn

“Kumail.
Kumail.
K. U. M.
No. M.
Just write Jason.”

– me right after ordering coffee

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@Tups13

You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.

@leannuh

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@haleyyyy1711

Football would actually be entertaining of each team was allowed one bear.