@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

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@MissHavisham

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

@Social_Mime

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

@Barknado69

[Marriage Counseling]

Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren’t relevant

Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird